Dear Martha,

A funny thing happened the other day; I’m not sure just how I’m supposed to take it. Was it the will of God? Or just one of those fancy smancy cosmic things, I keep hearing from them dang tree huggers from Kissimmee Park.

You know, every first of the month I have to go out manure selling, and you know this time around I had to go to that dang city again, you know how much I hate that. Well you know me, I got lost all over again ended up in some crazy part of town, and I felt lost not having been allowed to carry my trusty shotgun with me. Martha, I’ve read about the ghetto, hell I’ve even seen it on TV, but nothing can prepare you for driving your car into what I can only call h. e. double hockey sticks. Good Lord, crack heads pushing shopping carts wanting to wash your windows, every dang red light you have God’s good misfortune to stop at. I see why them dang rappers sing all them songs, talking about getting out of it. Hell, I was there not five minutes and I already wanted to leave, no let me rephrase that, I didn’t want to be there in the 1st place and would’ve probably eaten my own foot just to get out of there.

Thankfully that never had to happen, I had gone online over at Fred’s, you know the Fred that blew his hands-off in that freak Fourth of July squirrel catching contest. That’s another story, but since him having no hands means he can’t use the computer, well I go over there from time to time so I can set up his porn. Well, while I was there, I got an e-mail from my son telling me that I should get this GPS contraption so I listened to the boy, and bought it.

It’s called the Garmin nüvi 885T, and to say it’s a lifesaver is an understatement. First off, that little thing ain’t so little, it’s got a big bright screen that lets you see all the details that you need to see. Oh that comes in handy at 10 o’clock at night lost and God knows where you are, and needing to pee real bad. My bladder ain’t what it used to be, I’m no spring chicken or summer fowl, so getting to a restroom in a better part of town was my only ambition in life at that moment.

Shoot, this thing lets you see everywhere I mean you get to see hotels, restaurants fuel stations and all that. Turn by turn this thing can find a saint at a Hooker party, and lead a stranded whale back to the ocean, or at least find him a good seafood restaurant so that at least he can get himself a meal while he waits for them animal lovers to come save him. Oh and the sweet little voice, turn left, turn right, turn left, get the hell out of Dodge. Well, the voice didn’t say that, but I sure as hell was.

The great thing was I could figure out where I was at the time; all I had to say was “Where Am I?” And that little darling let me know I was in the middle of shoot em’ up city and gave me all the directions I needed to send my God fearing behind to a nice rest stop, so I can handle my business and get back on the road.

Martha, I tell you right now if this was to ever happen to you, you’re gonna want one of these little things. It saved my bladder, it saved my life, and it saved some unsuspecting soul from meeting his maker by the force of my pistol Obi wan. Don’t care what you say about my pistol, or what the sheriff has to say about my pistol, but between my pistol at my little Garmin, all is right as rain.

I’ll see you next week, when we have to do Bubba’s annual washing, we’re gonna be a little past the city limits this time over at Skooters, so make sure you buy this thing while it’s still on sale, so you don’t end up lost in the pig farm maze again. We’re not sending the Boy Scouts in to find you this time, some of them still get nightmares with you covered in that mud.  Why were you naked anyway? Never mind I don’t want to know.

Your’s truly,

Jethro

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